You guys. It’s been a while.
I stepped away from writing and from this blog over a year ago, and now that I’m feeling ready to dive back in, I wanted to share a few reasons why I went away.
Stress + Motherhood
About a year and a half ago, I was feeling burnt out. Somewhere along the way, my motivation shifted from sharing my passions through this platform to striving for some unrealistic “blogger ideal.” I was putting an immense amount of pressure on myself to publish multiple times a week, to be active on social media every day, to gain followers and see engagement.
I’m a perfectionist, and I was definitely striving for perfection — or whatever my conceived notion of perfection was at the time — at work, at home and here on the blog. It just wasn’t sustainable. I didn’t have the energy to pour into everything all at once. Rather than identifying the areas to spend my time and energy, and doing a few things really well, I was floundering a bit with everything.
I was also just a couple months away from having a baby. I didn’t know what the shift to motherhood was going to mean for me, and I didn’t want to take this energy into life as a new mom — to have it color my time on maternity leave and the first few months with my son. And so I decided that stepping back was the healthiest option for me.
I was also starting to feel like the things I was publishing and the things I was chasing just didn’t represent who I was anymore. We started this blog when we were vegan as a place to share our recipes with family and friends. Once things started to grow, I followed other bloggers to see what they were doing. This eventually led to me shifting focus onto finding out what people wanted to see rather than exploring the things I wanted to create.
Who I am was also changing. It’s human nature to grow and change. I had gone through pregnancy loss and was about to become a mom. These are huge, life-altering experiences. Publishing a recipe for overnight oats or chocolate chip cookies or a rainbow salad just didn’t feel authentic to who I was at the time, but I didn’t know how to take this platform, this space, along with me. I felt like I was in limbo — I wanted to write, to share, but I also felt a twinge of fear.
Putting Yourself Out There is Scary
I was afraid to share these new chapters in my life. I was afraid to put myself out there. I was afraid to be honest and open, to bare my soul to the internet void without knowing whether someone else felt the same, without knowing how people would respond. And so I stepped away for a while.
Ever since going through a miscarriage, I’ve been working with a counselor. It took months to feel the weight of that loss lift from my shoulders even an ounce. One of the biggest hurdles for me was feeling like my grief wasn’t valid, and that, though this grief was so deep, the pregnancy somehow wasn’t real. Writing that story down, from when we first saw a positive test to the details of the loss and the heartache that followed, and sharing it with Kristian and my counselor, was cathartic.
When I finally took the leap and shared it here on the blog, I was terrified. And then floored by the response I received, unlike anything I’ve gotten before — mamas emailing me and sharing their stories of loss and words of support and encouragement. It opened my eyes to the possibility of what I could share, but also freaked the hell out of me.
And then I became a mom. Our son Ethan was born in March of last year, and I just didn’t have the time or the energy — as a new mom and then working full time — to devote to figuring out what to do with this space.
Now that Ethan’s a little older, I’m getting the hang of being a mama, and I have some space to give it thought. I’d love for this little corner of the internet to be a space where I can help mamas and mamas-to-be navigate or find advice on the things I’ve experienced or am currently going through. I’d also love it to be a space for exploration and experimentation, because I don’t have all the answers (far from it), but I’m so curious about things like minimalism, living an intentional life, financial health, emotional and physical wellbeing.
And of course food, because I still love to eat, and so does my toddler.
So, all this to say, I’m back. And I’m excited for what’s next.
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