This post has been on the back of my mind, and deep in my heart, for some time now. I’ve sat down to write it more than once but haven’t been able to find the words. And though I feel it’s right to share this story now, it’s unknown and uncharted territory. Thank you in advance for your kindness and compassion.
I’m currently 22 weeks pregnant, coming up on 23. Kristian and I couldn’t be more thrilled, excited, enamored, nervous and a bit scared to have this baby boy (yes, BOY!!) in our lives. All these thoughts and emotions mixing with the pregnancy hormones have got me feeling all the feels right now.
It took until now to let myself breathe and allow my excitement to build around this pregnancy. And if I’m being completely honest, anxious thoughts still pop into my mind which keep me from always feeling the idealized joy and glow of pregnancy. Though I’m beyond grateful for this little boy and absolutely cannot wait to bring him home in March, my heart still aches for our first baby.
No one outside of our immediate family knew about that pregnancy. We were planning to wait until our 13-week appointment to share with the world. But we never made it to that appointment.
Losing that baby, and going through that pain while nearly everyone around me was none the wiser, left me feeling lost and uncertain. Did everything I went through even happen? Did our baby really exist?
As we celebrate the life of our nearly 23-week old baby, I also want to take a moment to remember the too-short life of our first, and what that pain has taught me about the depths of love and the resilience of the heart….